I had a bad weekend some time ago. Very low mood, the meltdown started as soon as I got up, it was uncontrollable and I ruined the whole day.
The day before I was masking, dealing with a stressful job, juggling tasks and answering questions about timescales and tech.
And then I was crying and lost. My weekend. Gone to a meltdown. And I didn’t know why. I wasn’t able to post a blog about it because I was way too low for that.
Now I’m out of that particular period, I realised that I was incredibly overwhelmed with so many things. Time to take it apart and give myself a break.
I had a cat for 12 years that I loved to absolute pieces. He was my best friend and I doted on him
7 months ago (at the time) he passed away and it hit me harder than anything. I tend to like animals more than people and he was just the sweetest cat.
He could lose it at me but I forgave him everything.
We found out he was dying a day before my birthday. And we watched it happen that whole month.
After he passed we got another cat but we have not bonded. I’m sure he gets vibes from me to but in 7 months we are polite to each other and that’s it. It makes me miss my old cat even more and I feel bad about myself. I always love cats, what is wrong with me,
This particular morning, I tried to pick him up slightly to give him a kiss and he went mad and bit me. my partner can pick him up and he’s fine.
This upset me
The house is a mess
The house is a complete mess. My partner is a hoarder and doesn’t see it and doesn’t tidy. I’ve not been feeling great so it’s now got on top of me and I feel to low to do anything about it,
And my partner. As good as he is won’t tidy up because he’s got better things to do. If I try cleaning now around all his junk lying everywhere I will absolutely melt down and lose it and I can’t have that at the moment. So it sits there.
Garden landscaping project
We are having the garden done. It’s been torn apart and looks like a bomb has taken it out. We are dealing with builders. Maintenance people and designers, we are having to pay a lot of money for it.
I’m worried that we should have moved instead of re landscaping. Have we done the right thing. Can I cope with al this stress till October?
And the money. Ooooooooh the money. I can’t think about that too much. It’s painful
Little lefty snowflake
The country is on its knees with the Tory party on a high. Whatever they do, they seems to get more and more points in all the voting intention stats.
I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of people who hate the EU and immigrants. love Boris and don’t care about the NHS being privatised.
I can’t see an end to it and I think things are going to get so much worse. There is nothing I can do but watch it happen. There is no wonder I feel so low living in Tory Britain.
I rest my case.
There was a specific work task that I’m not understanding. I don’t think it’s being communicated in a way I can comprehend so it’s a bit of a personality thing but still, I’m sure that this will immediately be a mark against me in peoples eyes. It will be my fault for being stupid.
It’s one small thing but the more I get talked at the more I don’t understand it. I can’t see anything but a negative ending to this and it’s really worrying me. It’s niggling me all the time.
(This was resolved ages ago and turned out to not be a big thing. In fact there were issues with it that I had spotted. So all is well on this front now)
I tasked myself every day to revise for a major exam because I have to keep up at work. One second of not keeping my eye on the ball and I will be deemed not good enough. So I have to constantly work to make sure I can’t be ousted for being stupid.
That’s a lot to task myself with. I would say too much.
Health issues and NHS dealings
At that time I was not having a good experience with the a NHS and other services. It’s also taking months of waiting, causing elongated stress.
I’ve talked about this in other blog posts but this is definitely another issue with no real resolution in sight.
Everyone else is now seemingly living their best lives. Festivals, pubs. Holidays. Large gatherings. No more masks or social distancing.
We are still isolating. We don‘t feel like we can because COVID cases are still high. Worst for me is that the Edinburgh Fringe went ahead without me. I have no holidays booked. I worry we will never get back to normal. I’m now feeling anxious and jealous of everyone else who can ignore Covid.
So all these key issues are dragging me down. The Aspergers makes things so much worse and because I mask all week, I simply break when I should be having a nice time.
I think at times like this you forget that many other people are also struggling too so you are not alone. And it’s not just people on the spectrum.
There has been a little light at the end of the tunnel. Me and the cat have been getting along a little better.
I will take that as a win.