The reasons I had a meltdown a few weeks ago

I had a bad weekend some time ago. Very low mood, the meltdown started as soon as I got up, it was uncontrollable and I ruined the whole day.

The day before I was masking, dealing with a stressful job, juggling tasks and answering questions about timescales and tech.

And then I was crying and lost. My weekend. Gone to a meltdown. And I didn’t know why. I wasn’t able to post a blog about it because I was way too low for that.

Now I’m out of that particular period, I realised that I was incredibly overwhelmed with so many things. Time to take it apart and give myself a break.

Cats

I had a cat for 12 years that I loved to absolute pieces. He was my best friend and I doted on him

7 months ago (at the time) he passed away and it hit me harder than anything. I tend to like animals more than people and he was just the sweetest cat.

He could lose it at me but I forgave him everything.

We found out he was dying a day before my birthday. And we watched it happen that whole month.

After he passed we got another cat but we have not bonded. I’m sure he gets vibes from me to but in 7 months we are polite to each other and that’s it. It makes me miss my old cat even more and I feel bad about myself. I always love cats, what is wrong with me,

This particular morning, I tried to pick him up slightly to give him a kiss and he went mad and bit me. my partner can pick him up and he’s fine.

This upset me

The house is a mess

The house is a complete mess. My partner is a hoarder and doesn’t see it and doesn’t tidy. I’ve not been feeling great so it’s now got on top of me and I feel to low to do anything about it,

And my partner. As good as he is won’t tidy up because he’s got better things to do. If I try cleaning now around all his junk lying everywhere I will absolutely melt down and lose it and I can’t have that at the moment. So it sits there.

Garden landscaping project

We are having the garden done. It’s been torn apart and looks like a bomb has taken it out. We are dealing with builders. Maintenance people and designers, we are having to pay a lot of money for it.

I’m worried that we should have moved instead of re landscaping. Have we done the right thing. Can I cope with al this stress till October?

And the money. Ooooooooh the money. I can’t think about that too much. It’s painful

Little lefty snowflake

The country is on its knees with the Tory party on a high. Whatever they do, they seems to get more and more points in all the voting intention stats.

I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of people who hate the EU and immigrants. love Boris and don’t care about the NHS being privatised.

I can’t see an end to it and I think things are going to get so much worse. There is nothing I can do but watch it happen. There is no wonder I feel so low living in Tory Britain.

Social media

I rest my case.

Work problems.

There was a specific work task that I’m not understanding. I don’t think it’s being communicated in a way I can comprehend so it’s a bit of a personality thing but still, I’m sure that this will immediately be a mark against me in peoples eyes. It will be my fault for being stupid.

It’s one small thing but the more I get talked at the more I don’t understand it. I can’t see anything but a negative ending to this and it’s really worrying me. It’s niggling me all the time.

(This was resolved ages ago and turned out to not be a big thing. In fact there were issues with it that I had spotted. So all is well on this front now)

Revision

I tasked myself every day to revise for a major exam because I have to keep up at work. One second of not keeping my eye on the ball and I will be deemed not good enough. So I have to constantly work to make sure I can’t be ousted for being stupid.

That’s a lot to task myself with. I would say too much.

Health issues and NHS dealings

At that time I was not having a good experience with the a NHS and other services. It’s also taking months of waiting, causing elongated stress.

I’ve talked about this in other blog posts but this is definitely another issue with no real resolution in sight.

Lockdown ending

Everyone else is now seemingly living their best lives. Festivals, pubs. Holidays. Large gatherings. No more masks or social distancing.

We are still isolating. We don‘t feel like we can because COVID cases are still high. Worst for me is that the Edinburgh Fringe went ahead without me. I have no holidays booked. I worry we will never get back to normal. I’m now feeling anxious and jealous of everyone else who can ignore Covid.

So all these key issues are dragging me down. The Aspergers makes things so much worse and because I mask all week, I simply break when I should be having a nice time.

I think at times like this you forget that many other people are also struggling too so you are not alone. And it’s not just people on the spectrum.

There has been a little light at the end of the tunnel. Me and the cat have been getting along a little better.

I will take that as a win.

Executive functioning

Covid has, I imagine been incredibly hard for all of us on the spectrum and yesterday I realised why I’m still in a situation where I can’t really go back to ‘normality’ until it’s much safer out there and the rules are fully relaxed

Say I go out somewhere pre Covid. This is the usual maze of things to do. Things to say, how to be. Where to go. how to organise myself. How to mask. Etc etc

But since Covid, this is now that same experience.

Because it’s so much more complex and worry filled I have a habit of forgetting things. My executive functioning goes to pot and I’ll forget to do things to look after myself. This is probably why I tend to get ill if I have been away or had to do something for work away from the office.

I will lose things. Get lost. Not eat. Not drink and get spaced out. The usual me disappears.

My executive functioning in these situations drops to levels that can be sometimes dangerous. And yet, at work I will be fine. I will do the things other people would struggle with.

Let’s have a look at a few examples:

Work: One day course, seemingly in the middle of nowhere

I was asked to go on a days course at a centre in a town I never go to. In a building in the middle of the woods. Far away from the train station or bus station. I worried myself sick about going. Cities are ‘kind of’ ok because of the transport links and signage.

This was out of my control and I didn’t like it. On the day i went on the train.

Then I got myself ‘het up’ and couldn’t see a taxi so decided to walk. Bad move. Took me an hour to find the wood but I couldn’t find the centre. It had been raining so it was really spooky.

Adult me then panicked. Where was I? I’m in a spooky forest. And I ran away. Literally ran away sobbing. Back the way I had come to the safety of the train station where I could get back to a place I understand.

I had to phone work and tell them I hadn’t managed to get there and take time out to calm down. I was utterly mortified.

Work: One day Course in this godforsaken area of the U.K. attempt 2

So I tried again. This time I forensically studied the route to the place. I had taken the wrong turning last time. I became a bit less good at other things during this time because I was focused on learning the route.

Attempt 2, I went by bus. Took longer but got rid of 20 minutes of the walk, I walked there again and this time found the place. I was so relieved.

I walked in and could only find first aid training. I Panicked and phoned work and they said ‘it’s not till next week you know. You should be here not there’

So this time I had spent so my time getting the route right but I had got the date wrong. I hadn’t spent enough time on that important part of the problem.

I should say I managed it again the week after. And the course wasn’t worth all that. Not to mention those few weeks of worry had drained all my energy from me.

The presentation

At my latest job I have gone round giving tech presentations and the one I had to go to this particular day was in my home town but I needed to get a taxi. (I absolutely hate getting taxis)

The taxi was waiting and I couldn’t find my keys anywhere. I started to panic and have a melt down.

Just at the last minute I realised my keys were in the door. And managed to get it together enough to do a really good talk.

Unfriended

My friends had moved into a house which was only really accessibly by car and were having a house party.

I had to go by bus and spent a while trying to figure out what stop it was and how I would do it.

But getting back was even more uncomfortable and it hadn’t occurred to me I could ask someone for a lift once there. It had started to become a bit impossible.

I waited for the bus and as it turned up I panicked and went home. I couldn’t do it. I had never been before and it just seemed to big a deal.

I txt to say I couldn’t make it and got a frosty response. Some time later (fast forward a little bit) and I was removed as a friend on Facebook and that was the end of that relationship)

I since explained that I am on the spectrum but it didn’t make much difference. And I don’t blame them to be honest. I’m clearly too much trouble and too flaky.

Where are my keys? Where is my mobile phone?

I lose everything all the time. Which is scary when I’m on my own doing something. What if I lose my phone when I’m giving a talk somewhere?

My partner finds my phone at home. And it’s on a daily basis. I’m always stressed and my ability to put things safe is none existent.

A few weeks ago I wasn’t looking what I was doing and dropped my keys on the street. Thankfully by retracing my steps I found them again but that was scary.

I have put my expensive mobile in the bin. In the clothes basket (found before it went in the washing machine.) the list goes on and on.

The more stressed I am. The worse my executive functioning gets. And the worse my executive functioning gets the more stressed I become.

I just have enough gas in the tank to get my mask on (not the covid mask but I wear that too if I don’t lose it) and be highly functioning at work.

If I wanted my work colleagues to know anything it would be. I’m going to be spot on here and give you everything. But outside of this I’m going to be an exhausted mess so please give me my time outside of work away from you people to be this version of myself.

Otherwise my executive functioning issues will be seen by you guys and I really don’t want that.

It’s the reason I don’t want to go away with them on work trips. They will see it. They will see me lose direction. Get names wrong. Lose things. Be extremely ditsy. They think I’m competent because I usually am.

Please don’t let this happen to me.

Yes indeed I will worry about this one constantly. One day it may happen. I got away with it just about on the last trip I did. And to get through, I didn’t sleep and had a panic attack all night. I was so tired on the day I had no energy to fully panic which helped.

That’s too much to put myself through. Just looking at this makes me sad. It makes me sad to see what we put ourselves though to keep things together.

I love my Job and I’m good at it. And yet, the threat of my low executive functioning on a day to day basis on full view is always there like a big black shadow.

It’s a big burden and there is really no wonder I am stressed. How do other people cope with their executive functioning? Especially trying to keep your good self to work hours?

My autism triggers that always take me by surprise

The other day at 4pm my partner asked if we should pop to the shops.

I said absolutely not. When asked why I said because I cannot shop in the last hour before things close.

He laughed, and I was left thinking that yes it was funny but it was also true and why was that?

I have no idea, but the fact is I can’t go into shops an hour before closing.

I’m stumped at that one and it made me think about all the things I do that seem really none sensical.

Borrowing things

I needed to do some revision and wanted to sit in the garden. My partner suggested using his laptop but I couldn’t have that. I have to have my things.

It was the same when he suggested using his iPad to read comics. No, I will stick to my old one because it’s mine.

Everything in its place

I used to paint. I had a room with an easel and tables all set up all the time. It was great. But since moving in with someone, I don’t have the luxury of having everything out. I have to take it out a cupboard and borrow a table from somewhere else.

As a consequence I don’t do art any more because I don’t have everything all set up. It’s to upsetting. This one makes me sad but by the time I set up I’m too angry to paint.

It’s the same with tech I need in specific rooms. I never know where my iPad is so I don’t bother with it because it’s not set up in specific rooms for specific purposes

Do you fancy a Phone call for a chat?

No

This is another annoying one for me. I cannot abide speaking to people on the phone. Zoom is a little better (in a small group) but I don’t understand phoning someone for a chat.

When do you decide to end the call? What do you talk about? Why is this happening? And then people think I’m being funny and antisocial when I just shut down at the mere mention of a phone call for a chat.

Best thing to do is to catch me off guard on this one. Don’t mention it’s going to happen because I will fret.

Social gatherings

Still haven’t figured out out this works. You are supposed to mingle and interact with people.

So you start talking to person

A. Either your conversation grinds to an embarrassing halt and someone says, Oooh best get a drink, and escape.

B. Or you give your selves 10 minutes. Like speed dating and move on when things are still working?

C. You stay talking to the same person all night. Not mingling. Might as well have just invited that one person over for a nice night in without all the background noise

Each option just doesn’t work. Either you have a night of horrible eembarrassing interaction endings.

Or you speed around looking like you are ticking everyone off throughout the evening.

Or you just don’t socialise at all. I didn’t even mention D. Which is to immediately panic. Melt down. Go home and feel sad because you can’t do it.

How is anyone able to do this? It’s more complex that chess?

And why does this always take me by surprise? Over the years I’ve managed to stay away from this as much as possible. So when it does happen I always think ‘oh wow, this is why I don’t do this.

So there are just a few of my issues that always take me by surprise when it happens. I’m sure I’ll come up with more.

What are yours?

The builders and the noise. ‘Beep Beep Beep’

I live in an area in a town which seems to be constantly in development.

The next road up from us is now being completely redeveloped as a care facility (knowing how care works in this country and how money money some private firm will make from this makes me feel a little sick)

Every day for the last couple of months all you hear is this.

Beep beep beep beep pause

Beep beep beep beep pause

Beep beep beep beep pause

Repeat……….. for seemingly forever

I think I’m going mad. I can’t have the windows open because of the noise. I can’t sit outside, it even gets through headphones.

It’s like being tortured on a constant basis and there is nothing I can do about it.

I’m thinking about it all the time, I’m upset because being in the garden is now a horrible experience.

I keep going off on one about it to my partner. It’s just a nightmare.

Why isn’t my entire street up in arms about this? Surely there is something they can do to keep that continuous beeping to a minimum. It’s even on a Sunday. It’s feels like it’s lost me a whole summer.

I think it’s got to me so much because of my Aspergers. Other people don’t seem as affected. My partner says he hardly hears it anymore but for me it’s like someone screaming into my ear every few seconds. I definitely suffer from Misophonia (sound rage)

I just don’t know what to do in this situation to bear it? Keep the windows closed and stay out of the garden. That seems like a massive price to pay.

I know if I complain it will go no where. Someone is going to make big bucks from this new building. Who cares how it’s made me feel as an autistic person.

This world is made for neurotypical people and not for us.

Current mood. Extreme and ongoing sound range

Part 3. Councelling sessions 4 and 5

Synopsis. It’s not going well.

I have had a few family issues and funerals to go to this last few months so my usual stress levels have been way amped up. This has led to a few melt downs in the last few weeks and a general feeling of exhaustion.

But it’s time to give a write up to the free Councelling I am getting through one of your bog standards NHS ways to get it.

On the plus side. I haven’t waited that long for it.

But. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that this isn’t going to work for me.

Session 1

The councillor seems nice but there is no attempt to get to the bottom of things.

The main end point to the session was to note that I was suffering from stress and overwork and over commitment. And I need to take more time out for me.

Agreed but I did already know this. And knowing something doesn’t change things when you live your life with Aspergers.

So the outcome was to do some deep breathing every day.

Now I have already been through so many relaxation apps. All of them get on my nerves and make me anxious: I already know that when I’m in a negative cycle anything like this will be forgotten.

In short, I don’t need Councelling sessions to tell me this. I know about it and still don’t do it. I either forget because I’m stressed. Or I’m feeling to negative to do anything about it.

Session 2

In the two weeks since the last session I’ve been overwhelmed with stressful situations. I’ve been in meltdown modes. And I have been desperately trying to claw my way back through my work schedule. I’ve maybe done deep breathing 3 times and I’ve got quite anxious during it and then just stopped because. Well self sabotage I guess.

I told the councillor this. And this seemed to be the main thing to tick off. He asked me if I wanted to help my self and what I gain from not doing the deep breathing?

My brain clocked out at this point. How am I supposed to know what I gain from not doing something? This is a question I don’t know how to answer.

Then he asked if I was just too busy to put any time into helping myself?

Well yes and that’s the problem. But I heard in my head ‘I can’t do anything with you so let’s end this now.’

I also got upset with a problem regarding the health of a family member, meaning I have to get more involved. But he started to give practical advice I had already thought of. And didn’t once ask about the history of the problem. And that perturbed me. This is a quick speedy tick box session.

  • Don’t kill yourself
  • Don’t get more depressed.

Everything in my worry closet has a history. If you don’t want to delve into the history it doesn’t make sense. I have had Aspergers since I was a child.

There has also, in the 2 sessions been nothing on my Aspergers. No mention of it even though I bring it up. Since I’m here for that. I’m not happy.

The outcome of session 2 was to book myself work time and the end of the day to catch up with learning and development.

I have immediately failed that one too this week and not done it because I have had to much on.

My next appointment isn’t for three weeks and I’m gathering objectives I am not hitting.

I’m sure I will be a disappointment next session. I’m not sure I even want it now. Both sessions have left me feeling depressed.

So far, this time it’s been a fail.

It’s not my first rodeo and session in the past have also been fails.

Is Councelling not for me? Or do I need to find a lot more money to pay for a decent one?

I did pay once. A lot of money to a woman who made me do deep breathing for a lot of the session. The whole time I sat there deep breathing I was seething. I paid £40 to sit quietly in a room with someone breathing in and out. I could do that for free thanks. If I wasn’t in a constant quagmire of stress.

So I’m currently thinking about quitting yet again with absolutely no gains from it.

I cannot be helped it seems.

As yet I have never spoken to a councillor specialising in Aspergers and they clearly don’t have them via the NHS.

Which is a travesty considering people on the spectrum can often be low paid or out of the job market.

So I will try and shake the negativity for now. But this hasn’t been a good experience.

And another fine mess I have got myself into

I ended up having to attend a funeral the other day which is a stressful and upsetting event,

The wake was at a hotel. Lots of corridors and different rooms, we were told where to go and where the toilets were. A long way away from the room we were allocated.

I went to the loo numerous times with people. And after an couple of hours my whole being seemed to say, that’s enough for you for one day.

Boldly I went to the loo by myself. That went well. And I made the short trip back to the conference room. Yes that’s the same flower display I saw on the way there. I must be on the right track.

And then, I got completely lost. I’m an adult. And I got lost in a hotel.

I had to go back to reception and text my partner.

‘I got lost going back to the room so I’m in reception’

A few minutes later he came round the corner looking amused. “I knew you would get lost”

On the way back I realised that all the corridors had the same flower display in them so I had gone right and there was the same display on the left.

Proving the point that on my own I can’t seem to go right. I have absolutely no spatial awareness at all.

It was all very funny but for me. It made me realise how some of my skill sets are so beyond poor it’s amazing I have found my way home in the past.

I had also tried to memorise the route for myself and immediately failed on my first solo attempt.

I am so so embarrassed.

Part 2. Second Councelling assessment

* trigger warning. Mentions of questions about suicide

I’m continuing to write about my experience with getting Councelling through NHS self referral.

I had my second call today.

This did not go as well for me as part 1 and I may have got a little angsty through the call.

I waited two weeks and for some reason expected it to be the actual ‘Councelling part’ but it was only to book the Councelling which is another few weeks away.

The call was to mostly ask if I wanted to harm myself or end my own life. I answered no and then was asked to talk about what I would do if that was the case. Would I use the plan that they talked me through last time.

At this point it started to dawn on me that this was a box ticking exercise to make sure no one registered had taken their own life which would look bad.

‘We gave you a handy list of to do’s. How would you go through them before you end your life?’ That’s when I started to get a little irritated.

I want Councelling to help with my Aspergers. I am not suicidal and I don’t need to spend 10 minutes role playing having those kind of issues.

Like an idiot, and because I’m awful at lying I said that I can’t really speak about it because it’s not part of who I am, but if I was at that point, I doubt very much that I’m going to pop open my little to do list.

Unfortunately that meant that I got stuck on the subject even longer as she didn’t seem able to let it go without me saying that yes. Before I (in my imagination) kill myself I will do A B C and D.

So, I call for help regarding talking therapies because I have Aspergers and I’m treated like a person who may end their own life? It really made me feel uncomfortable and felt like a waste of my time.

I went on to say this to her and she asked if I would feel more comfortable using the services on an autism website that she had told me about?

I told her that I had looked at it but there was nothing there for me. It seemed to be about care and respite for those people with Autism and other special needs. Not for people with high functioning autism.

She said ‘you feel that it’s not for you?’

I replied ‘I don’t feel it’s not for me. It’s not for me, there is no adult information on the site for those of us with high functioning autism. It’s not a feeling’

As I said, it didn’t go well.

The actual Councelling is in a few more weeks.

I was told worriedly ‘well you are going to have to talk to the councillor about possible suicidal thoughts. Will you be able to do that?’

I’m now worried it will be 30 minutes assessing me for suicidal thoughts while I go over and over the fact that as someone with Aspergers I can’t answer those questions. Can I please talk about how to re socialise after Covid because that’s what I’m here for.

All in all, not a great experience, and I made it very hard for the assessor to stick to the script.

I’m quite sure that by being difficult I made it worse.

I can definitely say that it’s not a service set up to help people on the autistic spectrum because it did wind me up somewhat.

I’m sure it’s incredibly important for people who are having those kind of thoughts. Am I wasting their time because I’m not thinking about ending my own life?

Let’s see what happens next.

* when we get to the Councelling part I won’t be writing about what we talk about. I will just be giving you a general idea of how it went from an autism point of view.

As today wasn’t Councelling I felt able to write down more detailed information.

Part 1: initial Councelling assessment through the NHS

A few weeks ago I referred myself to one of the generic Councelling services via the NHS.

Covid and my reactions to what has been happening has made me pretty negative and I worry I won’t find my way back to being able to engage with being around people again.

Turns out, a lot of people are idiots and I’ve really given up.

Even at work, people have a completely different attitude to me about the last couple of years. I stay at home to keep COVID levels down. They don’t.

And as I can work from home it’s becoming so much easier on my stress levels to burrow in and never see anyone again.

It’s time to see if Councelling can help me. At least go shopping without having an autistic meltdown in the car.

Session 1 (initial chat)

This session was on the phone which is more difficult because you can’t see each others faces.

You would think that they could set up Zoom, Skype or FaceTime which would be really helpful. It was a barrier but not a major one. The lady I spoke to seemed really nice.

First thoughts. I have been autistic all my life but was diagnosed in my 40s. You don’t go through that without having a lot to talk about.

Generic counselling wants one thing to work on. ‘I’m angry at my boss’, ‘my partner is upsetting me’ those kind of things.

Quick problem. Speedy diagnosis. Unfortunately I’ve got over 40 years of issues to deal with and they all intertwine. You can’t sort out one without having to pull the string of another issue.

I am autistic. 6 weeks of CBT doesn’t help. So throughout I was asked to choose one thing.

Which is a hard one. At the moment then I would choose my reaction to the Covid issue. Will I ever be able to tolerate being around people again?

It’s just such a tiny bit part of the puzzle and i don’t believe that you can help with that without diving down into other issues.

  • My anger at not being diagnosed till I was much older.
  • My distrust of primary care fobbing you off with medication wherever possible.
  • Work struggles.
  • Confidence issues.
  • Negative thoughts,
  • Issue stemming from not having support as a child.

I could go on and on.

An interesting question which I answered wrongly was ‘why now?’ I didn’t know how to answer that but now I do. It’s because I’m feeling a little better and can cope with setting this up and dealing with it. When I’m at my lowest there is no way I could deal with this so actually I’m being seen at my best.

At the end of the session I was signed on to the service that helps you at work which is great. I did get an email from them to say the waiting list is really long so not so great.

I have to wait two weeks for my next session and they have agreed it should be Councelling rather than CBT but I think that’s a special case.

They want you fixed in 6 weeks with CBT so they can tick you off as a success.

So that’s the initial session over. Let’s see what happens next.

Negative feedback

My work has a yearly review where people are asked about your positive and negative points.

This gets read to you. You are then supposed to act on your negative reviews to become a better person.

I hate this time of year with every fibre of my being, first of all I cannot and do not want to write negative things about people I work with. Actually the people I work with are completely awesome and I have nothing negative to say so why should I?

There are a few people I struggle with. They know it. I know it. It doesn’t need to be written down and then read out to them by another person.

I think about what type of person this kind of feedback would work for. I imagine someone who is over confident could use negative feedback. But I’m not confident at all. And the biggest critic for me is me.

Any negative feedback confirms my thoughts and can send me into a spiral of depression. It’s unhelpful, positive feedback is lovely. Obviously I like that.

3 years ago one of the high level managers wrote this about me ‘###### will always be background and will never be as good as (insert names here’ the people named were all men.

I am still upset about that to this day. I found it unfair. Unprofessional. It included a static barrier that I can never break through (I am background)

I’ve been wary of that person ever since and haven’t wanted to interact. It made me incredibly upset and was actually quite harmful.

Other negative points ‘###### doesn’t engage in out of work activities and it would be good to see her more” Thats actually a nice one but I have Aspergers. I don’t need the added stress of feeling like I have to go to all the out of work social engagements.

It’s a part of what I am. I cannot change that, or if I did it would negatively affect my stress levels.

At the moment I’m not understanding a new way of working that I’m expected to use. I’m absolutely certain that this will be brought up in feedback.

Negative feedback won’t help me understand any better.

It doesn’t mention the fact that the people explaining are possibly not explaining the complexities in a clear way.

I should therefore write this in my feedback but I can’t. I would rather tell them face to face. I don’t want it read out by someone else. Negative feedback is not in my nature. But it seems to be in everyone else’s.

COVID and the sunflower lanyard scheme

https://hiddendisabilitiesstore.com

Ok. This one is a little incendiary but let’s go for it.

I have a sunflower lanyard for hidden disabilities just in case I struggle if I’m on my own.

It’s a fantastic idea and I was so glad to have it.

And then COVID hit. And we find ourselves faced with a new problem. The angry anti masker. The Covid denier. The ones who think that mask wearers are sheep and should all ‘WAKE UP SHEEPLES’

As an autistic person I like sticking to rules that make sense. And all these rules make sense. I don’t mind wearing a mask for 30 minutes round a shop, and I suffer from panick attacks.

I have had a few wearing masks but I think it’s the situation not the mask. I want to do everything I can to keep COVID under control. I don’t want to get it. I don’t want to give it to other people. Simple.

But there is a loophole. There are a couple actually but the first one is, you don’t have to wear a mask if you are exempt. But the government didn’t go into detail (too much hassle for them) and it seems that having a sunflower lanyard is enough.

The second is that the policing of masking is dismal and anti maskers are quite vitriolic and angry. You need a lot of policing to keep them in check.

Clearly, anti maskers a while ago cottoned on to the fact that a sunflower lanyard exempts you from wearing a mask and more importantly. You don’t need a doctors note to get one. You apply. Pay a few quid. Get your lanyard and away you go. No mask wearing for me thanks.

So that leaves me with this theory. Sunflower lanyards are about hidden disabilities which means you can’t tell. I would wear it for other reasons than not wearing a mask because I wear a mask.

However the supermarkets and shops seem to be flooded with people wearing lanyards and not wearing masks.

I’m pretty convinced that many of these people are wearing the lanyard to get out of wearing a mask like the other ‘sheep’

There I have said it. And I’ve said it because I’ve stopped wearing my lanyard. I don’t want people to think I’m an anti masker and I’ve seen a lot of people with actual hidden disabilities say the same.

So as a consequence people with hidden disabilities are feeling like they can’t use their lanyard any more. It’s been re purposed for the Covid denying faction.

This isn’t just me saying it. I think it’s pretty much a thing that’s been called out and quite frankly it’s disgusting.

To fake a hidden disability because you can’t be arsed to protect other people. To make people with hidden disabilities feel conscious about using something that would other wise help them.

It’s absolute scum behaviour. I hope after Covid I can start to use mine again. I’m sure many of these lanyards will get chucked in the bin after the 19th by a bunch of smug cretins who think it’s funny to abuse something meant for people with disabilities.

Honestly, I’m really angry about this. There are numerous idiots in the public eye that have pushed this to peoples attention like Lawrence Fox., Tony Young etc.

And I couldn’t be more disturbed by this behaviour. Shame on them.

As a final glimpse into this cesspit. I remember someone saying they were on a train after an anti mask demo during the lockdowns. A young man was on his phone boasting to his mates that he had been at the demo, didn’t wear a mask and no one could tell him what to do.

He was asked what he was doing now. He said ‘oh I’m off to my grandmas for some tea’

Let’s just hope that gran didn’t end up in hospital on a ventilator.

But for anyone who gets it who refused to wear a mask, abused the hidden disabilities scheme and acted like total dicks during Covid.

If you get it, own it. Don’t waste a bed within the NHS. They are for people who did what they could and still caught it. Own it. Pretend Covid doesn’t exist while you struggle to breathe.

And keep that lanyard. You might need it when you end up with long Covid, or other health issues. Enjoy spinning that roulette wheel that’s not just about you but everyone you come into contact with.

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