Football. If there is one thing on this planet that signposts that I am an alien.

There is one thing about me that I cannot compromise on.

I hate football. Absolutely hate it. I cannot abide sport in general buts it’s football that leaves me completely cold.

I loathe it with every fibre of my being. I don’t like the concept of it. I hate the way football supporters act. I can hear them now at the local pub chanting horrible football chants.

I find it frightening. Grotesque. I have made a point throughout my life to always check if someone I like has an overbearing interest in football. If they do, I’m completely switched off.

It was the first thing I asked my partner when we met. Are you into football? If he had said yes the date would have ended there. I couldn’t stand having a partner who was a football fan. Had a football team. No. It’s a no from me.

This omits pretty much most men I think which I’m fine with. My partner of 10 years has a passing interest. But that’s about it (he may be pretending, I don’t know, because even after 10 years. If I found out he was a proper fan it would be game over)

And I should say his passing interest makes me sad.

In the office at work when the…. Football things happen (I don’t even know what they are. I refuse to acknowledge anything about the sport) everyone would talk about it constantly while I did my work and listened to jazz

If I am usually very distant with people, at these points in time I am the Arctic tundra. I have zero f***s to give.

As you can imagine. This makes things astonishingly hard for me because most people are into it.

I spend much of my time feeling like an alien with nothing in common with people. During football times, I feel like a person apart. Completely separate and alone.

It’s so isolating, but I will never ever waver from this. I feel sick and angry even if I can hear football crowd noise on the radio.

They are doing football things at work at the moment that I’ll never partake in. Yet again, I’m the odd one out.

I yearn for my own planet where everyone likes art, comedy, jazz, books, saxophones and board game nights.

I would load up my things and go there on my space ship to be with my own kind who don’t chant dirgy drunken football chants. Instead, head bop along to bebop and appreciate west coast jazz.

I can hear them again now. The football supporters down the road. A huge many headed monster angrily chanting. I’m fairly sure in a couple of hours it will really kick off.

I have Aspergers so there is no compromise to be had and it makes me sad. I’m sad I’m so different but also relieved because ewwwww. I could never be part of this.

When COVID finally lessens it’s grip and I can go out and mingle with people with the same interests as me (if I ever get my confidence back) I think it will help. But all my life, family and friends have been completely perplexed by my hatred of football and sport. At least I can now tie this to the Asperger flagpole. Don’t hate me. It’s my neurological condition.

Ok, asking football fans not to hate me when I hate everything they love is fairly funny I guess.

The problem with mobile phones

My phone is my second brain. I have no spatial awareness so my phones maps app help me get to places.

With my phone in my pocket I can go places and do things that would normally be beyond me.

I can look at it for train and bus times. Use it for socialising. Write my blogs. Find out information. Phone someone if I get lost and panic.

Without it I am useless. I would never leave the house.

But there is another side to the story

It’s a little black object I need to keep with me at all times. However my brain isn’t calibrated to keep a mental picture of where it is.

As a consequence It disappears. At least once a day. Some days a lot more.

I leave it in pockets. On the side in any room I have been in. In the laundry basket. I’ve even accidentally put it in the bin,

And because I can’t stand loud noise it’s always on silent.

Which triggers my Asperger meltdown because I cannot stand looking for things. I hate chaos. Looking for things means chaos. Its all to much and I pretty much always break.

So at least once a day my partner has to find my phone for me before I go into full melt down.

It’s such a confusing dichotomy. On one hand, it’s the most important thing I own. On the other, it’s a small throw away object that my brain doesn’t focus on.

I hate loosing my phone. Absolutely hate it. It’s so stressful , but I never learn to not do it. If only I could attach it to myself permanently.

I know phones are now seen as the devil. Everyone bent over their devices in an insular way. Not seeing the now because of being bent over their phone, constantly refreshing. Constantly absorbed.

But genuinely. For someone like me with Aspergers it’s been absolutely vital to allow me to live a life outside of my own four walls.

So why oh why can’t my brain establish it as more important and keep track of it more?

I will never resolve this one. I can’t ‘work on it to become a better person’ so hopefully tech will come up with a solution. Otherwise I will stick to the plan of getting upset and letting my partner sort it out for me,

A final explosion in the supermarket

One thing about having Aspergers for me is that I think in black and white and I don’t have a filter.

Things are right and wrong and I get extraordinarily upset at people who refuse to follow rules and get away with it. I also fail to see danger and put myself in situations other people may not.

Nothing has shown this up as much as the mask wearing guidance in supermarkets.

An absolute moron pictured a few weeks ago

Basically, if your not wearing a mask and you don’t have officials documentation for exemption then everyone around you knows that you are an awful person, happy to display how stupid you are because you refuse to do the right thing during this COVID crisis.

The none mask wearers are, and I stand by this, dicks. And today was no exception.

We were at the veg isle and we saw a man, woman and their kid. The woman had a black eye and no mask. The man had his mask dangling from his ear as he coughed all over the veg.

They were the kind of family where you immediately feel awful for the kid.

As a person with Aspergers I absolutely hate this. It upsets me to the point of melt down but the worst thing is that they get away with it. No one dares tackle this anymore.

And as I’ve said before, I have no filter.

At one point we ended up right next to each other and I said. “Hey do you know that your mask doesn’t work like that ?”

He went bonkers. “Are you taking to me? Well f*ck of and mind your own f*cking business”

He got really nasty and threatening. Everyone else pretending that nothing was happening.

I had a word with the shop manager who said they they couldn’t do anything about it. Even the fact that he had got threatening meant nothing to them. No one gets paid enough to deal with these people.

As a consequence I now know that as a person on the spectrum, this Supermarket isn’t safe for me anymore. It’s way to triggering.

They win basically. I will have to change my routine which will be difficult but necessary.

Today I want nothing more than to lock myself away in the house and never deal with people ever again.

Today was horrible and exhausting. There may be a small amount of rotten people but they always take centre stage. I’m unfortunate in that I can’t just ignore them.

The reason that plays in my head to get me even angrier at these people. We are all doing things we don’t like with the end goal of trying to not flood the NHS with ill people. Doctors and nurses have been working their asses off during this crisis. The least we can do is to try and stop ourselves from being a burden or making anyone else ill.

These maskless cretins think they are complete champions, walking round with smirks on their none masked faces. Looking forward to someone ‘having a go at them’ so they can get threatening and nasty.

However, if they were to get ill. Not one of them would go, ‘well I did shove my inability to comply with rules in everyone’s faces. I completely deserve this and as such I shouldn’t use the NHS’s time’

Every single one of them would run straight to the A&E and take up a bed. Not one of them would consider the amount of work medical professionals are having to undertake because of people not following rules.

I understand that we are two weeks from everything going back to normal but that’s not a consideration for these people. I doubt they have have any capacity for proper reason and understanding of where we are at currently.

In short, these people were nasty pieces of work before covid. And have remained so during.

I’m very tired now. I’ve had another crisis of finding people too much and I’ve proven I don’t have what it takes to block them.

Hey that’s an idea. Eye wear for people on the spectrum that block out idiots and people not following rules.

Every single person gleefully not wearing masks would be replaced with a dark silhouette. And over each blank silhouette would be the words

Waste of space

Another film night ruined (by me)

If I get into something, I get into it. I read everything about a show. I get fascinated by the actors. I learn lots of fun back stories. I really get in it is a big way.

My current obsession is the french comedy Call my agent. I not only get great characters, storylines and dialogue but it’s making me learn French again.

To the point where I’m now chatting away in French even though I’m not understood by anyone around me.

I don’t care. I am into it. So tonight my partner found a film that everyone is raving about. It’s got a great cast and it’s about a really worthy subject. And quite frankly I am well aware I should be loving it.

However 20 mins in and my mind wanders. I start to wonder how long it is. 2 hours. That’s a long time.

It gets more worthy and important. Clearly everyone in it should be getting Oscars. I know it’s a good film but it hasn’t got me and I start fiddling with my phone.

An hour in (I manage 30 more minutes of trying) and I’m done I have not one jot of interest in the film and it’s all a bit pointless carrying on. I’m aware that I should be having feelings now but I don’t.

Here comes the usual annoyed rant from my other half about how I always spoil good films and what is wrong with me.

I have Aspergers, as well you know.

So what is it about having Aspergers that stops me from engaging with films?

“People diagnosed with Asperger syndrome (AS) are commonly characterised as having difficulties with social interaction, social imagination and communication” (Attwood, 2006).

The film was very character driven in a situation wasn’t something I knew about. A lot of it was very silent and still and you needed to watch the characters body language and face closely to really understand what was going on.

There wasn’t enough going on in the film to keep me interested because much of it was hidden. I don’t have the ‘social imagination’ to fully read the body language of people I don’t know so I couldn’t keep my interest up.

“Attention deficit in children with autism is one of the most common symptoms” Otsimo.com 2018

Well I am not a child but if I’m not engaged with something I lose interest really quickly. The fact that the film was very much based on someone’s facial expressions and body language just didn’t give me enough to work with.

There, I feel better now. Yes it is a great film but not one that I could connect with as someone in the Spectrum.

Of course there are always exceptions. One of my favourite films is based on two people being together, not talking much and feeling the chemistry between them. And boy did I feel it (drive)

But there was a lot more going on in that film and it really struck a chord with me.

So I will continue to attempt to watch films. And be prepared for the 20 minutes in rant of ‘seriously again?

Why do you always ruin films?’

Lock down has made one of my ‘Asperger traits’ a whole lot worse

I did it again. I made a mistake.

I bought some ‘comfy trousers’ online in the hope I would like them.

WRONG

They came today and yes they fit but the waist band is very structured and I can feel it. Which meant in 5 minutes I had to take them off.

I now cannot have anything around my waist. I hate it. Before the lockdown I could cope with a bit of that, but now I really can’t stand it it.

So yet another pair of trousers are going back.

I genuinely don’t know how I will go back to normal when I’ve become so much more traumatised by certain clothes. I am now just way to sensitive for anything other than soft jogging trousers with draw string waists. It has to be a certain cloth type. For example linen makes me itch and upsets me.

When will I learn that the internet simply cannot provide clothes for me?

I continue to worry that the high street will be so battered by the current COVID situation that I won’t be able to buy clothes anymore and will end up down to the one pair of black trousers I bought 10 years ago that I can tolerate.

Last night my partner held the package up and said ‘oh look more clothes that we need to take to the post office tomorrow’

‘No, these look comfy it will be fine this time’

Sigh. Yet again I am proved wrong and yes, we will be off to the Post office shortly with my returns.

Literal ‘literisms’

I love gathering examples of autistic misunderstandings in the real world.

Helping with the DIY

It’s bank holiday and we are spending it doing DIY. Or rather. He’s doing the work and I’m stood there looking on and ‘helping’ because this is just not my thing.

One of my tasks was to get my iPhone out to record information.

He said to me, as I held my iPhone. ‘Say 20 cm’ I looked up confused’. You want me to say 20cm?’ I couldn’t quite fathom how repeating 20cm would help but I would do it if required.

Queue big sigh. ‘No I mean write it in your notes‘ Ahhh now in the context of the situation that does make sense.

Say and write are two different things but as usual I look like I am being exasperating.

If you want

I wanted a drink before dinner last night and opened a bottle of Prosecco.

This is the conversation we had

“I’m opening the wine. Do you want a glass now?”

“If you want”

Ok so this does not compute.

I want the wine. So I’m having some. So what he is saying is, if you want me to have wine I will have the wine.

Why would I want him to have the wine? It has nothing to do with me. I get no sensation out of it.

Either he does or doesn’t want the wine. Why do my feelings come into it?

‘If you want’ is a stupid, nonsensical thing to say and I wish he wouldn’t say it.

So that’s what I said. “I don’t care either way so I won’t pour you one since it takes an action in my behalf”

And then he said………

“Go on then. Pour me one”

So he did want the wine but instead of saying I want wine he pushed it onto me, what I wanted.

JUST SAY YOU WANT WINE FOR GOODNESS SAKE AND STOP BRINGING IN OTHER PEOPLES WANTS AND NEEDS. IT IS A SIMPLE QUESTION.

So yes. ‘If you want’ drives me up the wall

Get behind me

Another DIY nightmare. (Yet again) my partner was doing the DIYing, unwrapping solar lights for the garden. He said to me ‘get behind me and hold the lights straight’

So I stood behind him and wondered why he’s asked me to stand behind him.

Next second ‘what are you doing?’

‘I’m standing behind you but honestly I’ve no idea why?

(Extremely big sigh) I meant just get in front of me and take the lights.

From what I can tell a ‘neurotypical’ would have realised get behind me was an incorrect phrase and I should have understood this because he was holding the lights in front of him.

But in my defence HE SAID GET BEHIND ME

So from this little scuffle I can make an assumption that not only do people with Aspergers take things too literally, but we also can’t naturally understand when someone has said the wrong thing and means something else which should be obvious.

This world is a complete minefield.

I’m pretty sure there will be more parts to this tale. I’m constantly getting things wrong ‘with hilarious consequences’

Dealing with the covid vaccine no 1

Straight away I will say that 2 days ago I got my first vaccine.

I’m still surprised I did it because I absolutely didn’t think my extreme phobias would allow me to.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. So I thought it’s important to explain this from a point of view of someone with Aspergers.

Even though it was as good as it could be hoped for in the situation it didn’t quite meet the ‘autism friendly’ and honestly, a few small changes would have made all the difference so here we go. Let’s go over the debris of the day as see where it went wrong and where it went right.

First of all, I couldn’t go to the local place because it was open and everyone can see you. I couldn’t deal with that in case of a public meltdown. I would never leave the house again.

Then I was absolutely not having the Astra Zeneca one, the one where everyone feels awful afterwards. I knew that the actual side effects and the panic attacks would be just to extreme to deal with.

So we drove out to a clinic where you go into a room on your own.

Thankfully we were told to come in on the day so that was a good move.

Tip no 1

Don’t sort it where you have to wait days. You can build It up to absolute nightmare proportions, it’s great if you can get told to come in on the day.

So me and my partner drove in to get it done at the same time. Thank goodness I wasn’t on my own.

In the car I had started stimming and going very quiet. When we got in the clinic I got worse. Then we got asked to go into a room to have the jab and it really started to go wrong for me.

First of all they left the door open and it was all very hurried. Lots of people going past. Too much information.

They got my partner first and I was told to take my cardigan off, and just lost it. I would say this panic attack was a 10/10

Made all the worse because I was in Public and I hate being ‘autistic’ in public.

We are talking crying, hyperventilating, repeating ‘I can’t do it’ over and over again.

It gets patchy at this point because I had gone over the edge.

I remember the nurse trying to calm me down by getting me to look into her eyes.

Another wrong turn. I don’t calm down looking into peoples eyes and I was already at flip out point.

Queue panic attack / meltdown/ flip out no 2.

Tip no 2

Just say straight away. I’m autistic. Please shut the door. Don’t sit there like me getting more and more upset until it’s too late.

I think I remember my partner telling them I had aspergers and I didn’t like the door being open so there was lots of hushed ‘she doesn’t like the open door’ talk.

We were then moved to an empty room, away from all the other people in for their vaccines.

I was still hyperventilating at this point. In a real state. They came in to check on us and we’re really nice actually.

It was odd because they kept trying to get me to unmask but I was using it as a bag to breathe into so it was actually helping a little.

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it anti maskers.

I think it was quite clear I was pretty horrifically embarrassed and this wasn’t my usual behaviour.

It took ages to calm down, but then I got very tired and depressed.

Depressed because I couldn’t do it and I’d have to give up on having a normal post covid life. It was a horrible feeling.

I was so tired and down the nurse said I could try now while I was exhausted.

My partner did say that it kind of worked for me. Having a 40 minute panic attack was enough to crash my system into not caring as much.

So, she did it.

And I immediately felt wrongness go all down my arm.

It felt painful. And scary. And well, here comes another scale 10 panic attack.

I think they thought I would be all smiles afterwards. It wasn’t that bad, blah blah blah.

That’s not what happened. What happened was I had another meltdown and couldn’t breathe. I started repeating over and over again ‘why did I do it? Why did I do it’

So we had to sit in the room again because now it was unclear what was a panic attack and what could by symptoms.

It took a while of riding the panic waves. I feel incredibly ill.

Here is where the next misstep happens.

The lady came back in and again was really nice. But another nurse turned up behind her.

Tip no 3

don’t crowd an autistic person!

I asked the first nurse. What happens if I get ill tonight.?

The no nonsense nurse behind her chuckled and said ‘honestly love what on earth do you think it going to happen?’

She single handedly undid all the good work. If she had been there before the vaccine, that one sentence would have been game over.

I shut down and I heard my partners brain go ‘oh crap’

She then said ‘anyway a bit of fresh air will do you good’ and basically shut my concerns down.

I wanted out now. Panic attack or not. This woman had really really annoyed me by laughing off my fears. NOT COOL.

Tip no 4

This one is for the NHS. Figure out who can’t speak to autistic people and KEEP THEM THE HELL AWAY FROM AUTISTIC PEOPLE.

Seriously. One wrong bit of phrasing and you have lost us. It’s happened to me many a time at the doctors. It’s very upsetting and a big part of why I am as phobic as I am today.

I think because I was so tense I ended up with an extremely painful arm and I felt quite ill all Friday. I couldn’t move my arm and I was completely exhausted.

I’m fairly sure 90% of it was my panic disorder and my brain ticking over. if I had normal responses to things, all in all it wasn’t that big a deal and I’m absolutely fine today

It’s all done now. At least for the time being. I did something I never dreamed I could do. Thank goodness for my partner who does my talking and explaining when I can’t.

Tip no 5

Don’t do this on your own. Always get in touch with them. Tell them you are autistic and make sure you have someone to look after you. Tell them again when you get there. Repeat it.

I can’t remember anything they said to me. I was in a battle of the ages. I had no clue about reality at this point.

I would say though that although I made it hard for them, most of the staff there were really good with me.

They told me not to apologise. Checked on me and crucially didn’t give up.

So I have vaccine number one and I’m also nursing ‘public meltdown’ embarrassment .

I just don’t think I will be able to get up the social confidence again to make the most out of it, but watch this space

I’m not lazy and spoiled. I’m just coping as best I can.

I saw myself today whilst we were getting our shopping at the till. My partner struggled to get everything on the conveyor belt. He paid and put it all away while I stared into space humming to myself.

If you were to see this you would probably think, look at her. Who does she think she is the lazy so and so? Letting her poor boyfriend do everything while she just stands there.

I don’t look autistic. Not in the usual sense. I saw someone today in the supermarket who was definitely autistic. He was stimming quite heavily and had his hidden disability lanyard on. That does sound a little wrong but there is a definite stereotypical look sometimes of someone with autism. Lowered eyes. Ear defenders. Stimming. Geek clothing. Male.

There I said it. It’s usually more associated with males and I am a female in her 40s with a ‘PHD’ in masking.

So I look like a lazy unhelpful nightmare at that till.

What is actually happening is that I’ve had 40 minutes of loud noises. People not wearing masks. Babies screaming. People everywhere in a crowded space. Just a cacophony of input. By the time I get to the till I have started to zone out a little.

I am not quite there anymore. Humming is my giveaway. That’s starts before my physical stimming. My far away look isn’t because I can’t be bothered. I’m in my autistic space where I have ceased to be able to deal with things and mask appropriately.

I am in screen saver mode.

I can’t help it. My partner totally understands so doesn’t mind at all. But when I come round I can’t help but think some people must think I’m awful.

Occasionally I’m required and I can hear my name being said, seemingly from a great distance and it’s like waking up.

I might just glaze over again till I’m spoken to louder. I guess it’s difficult for someone to understand not on the spectrum.

But honestly. I don’t think I’m better than doing the shopping. I’m just struggling a little.

Dispatches from Elsewhere

Contains Spoilers

There are many shows and films that are supposed to resonate that don’t with me. I have always found this frustrating and alienating.

Dispatches from Elsewhere, created by Jason Segul, did the complete opposite and the finale had me ugly crying in a good way. It also helped me with a current issue I think.

So I would just like to say, thank you for making this wonderful show that felt like I was getting a ‘ready brek’ glow throughout every episode.

As usual with these things emotionally. It’s so complex I have a difficulty explaining things but I will have a go.

First of all, I identified with Jason’s character Peter. Blank canvas, with definite autistic traits. Wanting to see himself as special but not really believing it. Finally taking a chance and moving out of his comfort zone. I will come to this later.

Then Simone. Another complete identification. I’m not transgender but I am ‘other’. A non neurotypical is a neurotypical world. The other day I realised that if I wasn’t with my partner I would probably struggle because who wants to go be with a high maintenance autistic person?

And this is the same for Simone, she can’t even be part of her own community, let alone allow someone ‘normal’ in.

Then there is Fredwynn. A man who can’t let go and has to follow clues till they eat him up. He has to complete. Check. Another autistic trait. I have had meltdowns when I can’t complete and follow all the clues to the end. Yep, I identify with Fredwynn.

And finally there is Janice. Feeling out of place now she is older, like her best years are behind her and taunted by her younger self. I’m 45 and starting to feel this way. Always sad by the opportunities I missed because of being autistic. worried that my friends always seem younger than me. Do they really like hanging out with me? My autism sheers about 20 years off my age but I’m still halfway to 50.

Everything about this story way magical and I got it, all the way. It was about romance and believing in things and friendship. It is about being different but it not mattering.

My goodness it was so special and that ending which obviously divided people because it was so out there just worked so much for me.

To put something so personal into that end hour and then to show how you can do things if you work with other people and give yourself a chance.

My word. This show should be given to people as therapy.

So how did it help me? Peter got out of his comfort zone and did something different. In the end episode, Jason decided to do something for himself, even though it flew his freak flag high.

During the pandemic my phobias have really reached their peak. Especially having the vaccine. I’m so phobic of the side effects, in my head I had settled with becoming a shut in. Not leaving the house and just learning to deal with the fact that my opportunities have closed up. I can’t go on Holiday. I can’t go to the show I want to see.

And the last few months I have been really sad about it. Like I have lost someone almost.

I couldn’t even bring myself to think of how to move forward. As in, getting that injection and dealing with the side effects.

But after that finale a switch went off in my mind. I want to be able to go out and see theatre and art again.I want to go to the Edinburgh Fringe festival and get out of my comfort zone.

I want to go to a board gaming shop and play with other people. I want to see music shows.

I want to get on a train and go places. I don’t want to be a shut in.

So it’s going to be hard but I’ve decided that I’m going to do it. I don’t have to spend the rest of my life in the house.

So thank you to everyone involved in this show. And if you haven’t seen it, get it and watch it.

And then get the soundtrack because that deserves a post in itself.

CBT

The NHS ‘go to’ for mental health issues seems to be cognitive behavioural therapy.

It’s cheap. They can throw six sessions at you and then push you back out again as ‘fixed’. Lots of people rate it including people I have a lot of respect for.

I’ve had lots of issues throughout my life. Especially before I was diagnosed, struggling to be a neurotypical when I wasn’t.

Each time I have been offered CBT. The last time was when my therapist asked me if I fancied doing a questionnaire in regards to autism as the therapy didn’t seem to be working.

So actually, doing CBT did lead to a proper diagnosis which I will always be grateful for.

But on the whole, I have found CBT to be unhelpful. Other people on the autism spectrum may really respond to it. However, you can’t quick fix autism or complex mental health issues.

I’m sure it’s good for milder issues but as a one stop shop, I just think it’s part of the problem we now have with our mental health crisis.

Let’s look at CBT basics and see how it relates to Aspergers

Identify negative thoughts

That’s no problem at all. This blog shows that I am the queen of identifying my own negative thought processes. I have been for years.

For example, ‘going to a new food place and not understanding the rules’

That thought of not being normal because normal people can come to new places.

Identify your feelings

A bubbling and erupting of feelings that are way to complex and big to understand. These feelings lead on to the meltdown.

The feelings section is for me, the hardest to fathom as an autistic person.

Noting your behaviour

Panicking and leaving quickly.

The behaviour is an inability to think clearly or do anything but run. And that could lead to a full meltdown. Crying. Hurting myself. And two to three days of feeling drained and upset.

Activating Event, Behaviour, Consequences

This leads to ‘ABC’ that I have identified above.

A. Being in a new food place and being confused about the way things work

B. Panicking and leaving.

C. Being very upset. Possible meltdown

Changing to a healthy behaviour and consequence

A. Identical to the unhealthy A B C

B. Realising that I have Aspergers and this is a bit much for me and leaving before it causes too much damage. There are other places to go

C. Being a bit upset but finding somewhere else to eat.

Since being diagnosed I do tend to the above but I don’t think this is quite what CBT has in mind. It always seems to me they want this

B. Force yourself to stay and ask for help

C. Feel great that you did it.

My Autism means that this is unlikely to happen so attempting CBT always leaves me disappointed with myself. Or worse, way more meltdowns than I can cope with because I’m pushing myself which is something else CBT wants you to do, it seems to be all about exposure.

And it’s always been the exposure that’s broken me. I just can’t do it. I fail at CBT. Fail fail fail.

It’s horrible to constantly fail at something. Worse still, when that fail causes you to hurt yourself because you melt down.

CBT can only ever go so far for me. I can identify that something is too much and get out avoiding meltdown. Or if I do have a meltdown, to give myself a break about it. I’m autistic, not neurotypical.

But CBT can’t cure me in 6 sessions. I feel it’s a pity that there isn’t some kind of long term therapy that directly relates to autism not set up to cure but set up to cope.

If only this government hadn’t decimated support services.

Because that’s the real reason I’m annoyed. our U.K. government clearly doesn’t feel like people with Autism or with other issues should have properly funded support.

It’s really disgraceful what has happened in this country and I feel for everyone on the spectrum who is struggling and don’t have finances in places to go private.

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